by Shannon Kelding, Politicoat Monday 8/8/2016
Ossinning, NY – Furthering the Democrat reputation as a party of the ailing and infirm, sources close to the Clinton campaign acknowledged former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was committed to a nursing home outside Ossinning, NY early Sunday evening.
Clinton aides initially stated their candidate was visiting the Hidden Pastures Nursing and Rehabilitation Center to greet fellow aged liberals, but rescinded the narrative when reporters following the campaign discovered nursing home residents were completely unaware of such a visit, or of Clinton’s presence on facility grounds.
“Originally we planned to treat the stopover as an unscheduled campaign stump but thought ‘hey, wouldn’t this be a really cool place to hang out for a few days or more?’” Clinton Communications Director Jennifer Palmieri told reporters amassed near the Hidden Pastures front entrance where, hours earlier, Mrs. Clinton was seen being dragged over a series of steps by Secret Service agents.
“I totally get why there was confusion by the press,” Palmieri added, seemingly oblivious reporters earlier verified Mrs. Clinton’s involuntary clinical admission to the nursing home.
Campaign senior staff revealed the normally quiet and tranquil senior home will soon buzz with dozens of unwashed, web-browsing twenty somethings as Clinton’s Brooklyn-based campaign headquarters is vacated and moved to Hidden Pastures for the remainder of the election season.
“We’re hoping not to displace too many residents by moving our Brooklyn HQ to Ossinning, but I’m sure these old folks understand it’s for the greater good,” campaign manager Robby Mook said of the fifty plus Hidden Pastures residents to be evicted to make room for Clinton campaign staff. “After all, Hillary is fighting for the people. Notably those ambulatory enough to vote in November.”
Clinton’s policy team was vague on why they chose Hidden Pastures over other New York elderly care facilities. Medical experts constantly monitoring Mrs. Clinton’s failing health, however, clarified the choice came down to the center’s reputation for treating post concussion syndrome, uncontrollable fits of rage related to stroke, autistic lack of empathy toward living beings, and pathological criminality; all conditions exhibited by Mrs. Clinton since her time as First Lady in the 1990s.
Sources within the campaign also say Hidden Pastures is ideal due to its relative inaccessibility from the outside world and proximity to the Clinton Family home in Chappaqua should the former Secretary’s afflictions require in-home hospice care between now and the general election in November.