CNN: ISIS Takes New York City as DHS Funding Runs Dry

by Jose Ramirez, Politicoat 2/27/2015

     As predicted by CNN, ISIS has successfully invaded and occupied a major American city as funding for America’s only line of defense, The Department of Homeland Security, ran dry thanks to “evil House Republicans.”

CNN’s chief events commentator, and clairvoyant genius, Wolf Blitzer has, for days, warned Americans they will “get their heads chopped off by ISIS if DHS is not fully funded by the very, very bad Republicans in the House of Representatives.” Today that warning became a reality as ISIS stormed Lower Manhattan completely unopposed, thanks to the Homeland Security Department’s total inability to respond.

“DHS was our only hope to prevent this from happening!” screamed a NYC University student running for safety after witnessing 99% of his Cultural Sensitivities class beheaded by ISIS militants.

House Republican leaders, who blatantly disregarded the Safety of the American people, could not be reached for comment as both houses of Congress are being evacuated ahead of ISIS’s expected invasion of Washington DC.

In a long-winded I-told-you-so CNN’s Blitzer reminded Americans just how very, very bad House Republicans are and how every American who voted Republican in November 2014 is also very, very bad and un-American, too.

In an exclusive interview with CNN, DHS head person Jeh Johnson agreed, “I can’t imagine what the House Republicans were thinking to leave the nation’s only intelligence, law enforcement, and defense agency without the funds to prevent an attack like this.”

As the only government agency militarily equipped to deal with ISIS, DHS, unable to defend America thanks to very, very bad House Republicans, can only advise Americans to hope ISIS militants’ arms will tire from beheading people.

“We’re advising Americans to not lose hope,” said DHS chief Johnson, who was hungry after not even having enough money to buy lunch. “Our intelligence analysts, who also haven’t eaten, are predicting ISIS militants will get worn out from beheading people and just go home. Unless, of course, they are ambidextrous.”

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