Elderly Dems Treated for Knee and Back Injuries Following Obama STOU Address

Elderly Democrats rise again and again during Obama’s final STOU speech, but at what cost?

by Tyrone Watts, Politicoat Wednesday 1/13/2016

     Hundreds of elderly Democrats gathered in the House chambers Tuesday night to witness President Obama’s final State of the Union Address. Representing the future of progressive liberalism in America, the geriatric generation repeatedly rose to their feet, with the collective grinding of rusted hinges, to applaud and celebrate Barack Obama, their greatest political achievement since the feminist adoption of hairy underarms.

But the physical exertion of standing and clapping of hands came at a cost for the Hill’s eldest members. According to a team of geriatric doctors and scientists charged with caring for and  monitoring the ailing health of congressional Democrats, a triage was erected immediately following the President’s remarks to address complaints of incapacitating knee and back pain.

“Many attendees on the Democrat side of the isle were immobilized and had to be removed from House chambers by gurney after the President’s speech,” Said Doctor Jacob Huffington, geriatric specialist from George Washington University Hospital “Before long our ER was so packed with bodies of moaning congressional senior citizens we had to task area hospitals for help.”


Room adjoining House floor where hundreds of abandon walkers and elderly assist devices await the return of their Democrat owners following STOU standing ovation fallout.

An odious foreshadowing of events occurred prior the President’s speech when congressional Democrats were seen reaching out to Obama for support, to prevent themselves from falling and not being able to get up, during his entrance onto the House floor. Obama quickly grasped at the hands and arms of his Democrat colleagues in an effort to keep them upright. 
A lucky few were able to exchange words with the President during the ceremonious pre-speech meet and greet. Representative Elijah Cummings from Maryland’s 7th Congressional district, recently having survived his 94th birthday, was overheard urging the President to consider brevity due to “our party’s weak bladders.”
Democrat members of Congress were not the only attendees to suffer elderly pain and injury. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, whom in over twenty years as a justice for the highest court refuses to use two names like everyone else, was hospitalized with fractured vertebrae after receiving a hug from President Obama prior to his speech. 
“This is the opposite image of what we were trying to project at the STOU address,” admits Democratic strategist Brian Ballhandler. “The goal should have been to pack the House entrance with youthful-looking progressives so the President would come in high fiving and looking cool, not helping a bunch of shriveled congressional lifers out of and back into their seats.”


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