Gun Control

Vice President Biden Shot Near White House

by Chong Wong, Politicoat Saturday 5/21/2016

Washington, D.C. –   The Vice President of the United States was shot by a Secret Service agent on Friday after approaching the White House’s East entrance brandishing a shotgun. Officials say Biden attempted to bring the shotgun onto White House grounds to “show” Secret Service agents and DC Metro Police guarding the checkpoint, but would not drop the gun when given repeated verbal commands to do so.

Tasked by President Obama to design new gun laws, Mr. Biden has, for years, been urging national law enforcement to abandon their AR-15 service rifles for nineteenth century-style double barrel shotguns the Vice President claims are “safer and easier to aim”.

“I can’t believe he just walked up to the White House with that goddamn stupid shotgun,” said Secret Service agent Jack Taylor, who told reporters Biden has been on a tangent about federal law enforcement surrendering the AR-15 for break action, large bore rock salt shooters.

Mr. Biden became an advocate for long barrel granny guns following the Sandy Hook school shooting where he, during an unforgettable Facebook town hall, recommended Americans ditch their AR-15 rifles for the crime-fighting terror of double barrel blunder blasters. Not taken seriously by anyone with a functioning human brain, however, AR-15 sales in the United States skyrocketed after Biden suggested Americans not buy the guns.

Sadly, according to eyewitnesses, it was an AR-15 used by the Secret Service on Friday to stop the Vice President’s armed advance onto White House Grounds. Cathy Fredric, visiting the nation’s capital from Sidney Nebraska, was standing on the corner of 17th and East Street NW when Biden was shot.

“The Vice President walked toward the White House wearing sunglasses and a big smile. He was waiving at police and holding an old shotgun,” Fredric said. “He was told several times to drop the gun but kept saying ‘Come on, guys. It’s old Joe!’”

That was when, Fredric said, a Secret Service agent fired a single AR-15 round into Mr. Biden’s stomach, dropping him prostrate and, much to the surprise of those gathered, silencing the Vice President.

Medical technicians who rushed to the scene were amazed, though, how quickly Mr. Biden regained consciousness and continued talking as if a rebooted AI.

“Well, now. Them boys don’t fuck around, do they?” said Biden, belting out a throaty laugh before grimacing in pain at  sharp bullet fragments tearing into his stomach, liver, and large intestine. “Might have to rethink this whole shotgun thing after bein’ on the business end a one a those bad mama jama’s.” added the Vice President, suggesting he might reconsider the AR-15 as a better choice for targets at distance. “Hurts like a bitch!” Biden chocked, spitting blood while being loaded into an ambulance bound for George Washington University Hospital.

DC Metro Police officer Craig Miller retrieved the double barrel shotgun Biden was carrying when shot and removed two live rounds from its chambers.

“I think in his own dopey-ass way he tries to be useful,” Miller said. “Too bad he’s always doing something sane society considers idiotic.”

Officer Miller clears Joe “Buy a Shotgun” Biden’s shotgun

.40 Caliber Ammunition Next Target of Gun Control Groups

by Shannon Kelding, Politicoat

     The New York-based States United to Prevent Gun Violence is seeking an unconditional ban on .40 caliber handgun ammunition. The ammunition, officially known as .40 Caliber Smith and Wesson, is common among law enforcement but has recently been used in a number of high-profile mass shootings where no one died.   

“This shit just doesn’t kill anybody,” said Jason Blair of States United to Prevent Gun Violence. “Do you know how hard it is to raise money after a shooting where nobody died?” lamented the 33-year-old gun control activist. 

Blair referenced a recent shooting of seven spring breakers in Panama City, Florida who were treated and released after David Jarmichael Daniels used a .40-caliber pistol to “break up” an Alabama A&M University house party. Currently Daniels is being held on seven counts of merely attempted murder, which infuriates anti-gun activists like Blair.

Jan Miller with Everytown for Gun Safety agrees, “This bullet has been a nightmare for gun control groups,” said Miller. “Before the Panama City shooting there was Ferguson,” citing the arrest of Jeffrey Williams who shot but only wounded two MO police officers with a .40 caliber handgun on March 12. “I really don’t see the logic of creating a bullet that doesn’t kill anyone. What were ammo manufacturers thinking?”

Gun Control activists believe that, due to the popularity and proliferation of .40 caliber handguns, banning the ammuniton will be a daunting task. Harry Putup of New Yorkers Against Gun Violence said, “We’re not saying this is going to be easy. This weak, inadequate ammunition is everywhere. But more .40 caliber means fewer dead people, and we can’t have that.”


ISIS To Close Texas Branch

Local cleric says “fuck this” after two operatives quickly ventilated by Garland, TX police. 

by Lance Blanchard, Politicoat Friday 5/4/2015

ISIS has announced it will cease operations and leave the state of Texas. Effective immediately the decision comes after the Islamic State painfully embarrassed itself in a botched attack on American Freedom Defense Initiative members during a free speech event at the Curtis Culwell Center in Garland Sunday night. 

In a recent statement Dallas-based cleric Mohammad el-Hazaan admits he was surprised how quickly his recruits assumed room temperature after attempting a mass shooting at an event that rewarded contestants to make satirical cartoon images of the Prophet Mohammad. 
“We had a lot of build up on social media before this attack,” said el-Hazaan. “There were plenty of statements about sharpening knives and blood in the streets, but this is not France. This is Texas,” conceded the 57-year-old Jihadist referencing the Charlie Hebdo attacks where 12 people were effortlessly killed by a pair of fumbling Islamic gunmen in “gun-free” Paris, France.
Prior to Sunday’s attack one of the gunmen, a 25-year-old former al-Shabab sex worker, made numerous social media posts claiming, “we will come to your streets with death and slaughter!” and to “Kill Those That Insult The Prophet.” Both he and his cohort were, however, dropped dead by Garland police who, in gun-dense Texas, are a benefit for, and not a danger to, the citizens they protect and serve.
Shela Grable, a Garland resident, was picking up a prescription at an area Target when the shooting began.“Everybody’s into guns here. Cops, civilians, grandmas, grandpas….. everybody’s carryin’,” said Grable. “You’d think the hajis would pick a state where they wouldn’t get their heads blown off for causin’ trouble.” 

Mohammad el-Hazaan agrees. “Gun-friendly states like Texas are inadequate bases of operation for Islamic State,” said el-Hazaan. “Not only are armed citizens a constant threat to our fighters, local police are well-trained, prepared and quite accurate with firearms.” 

When asked what the ISIS Texas chapter will do after their embarrassing Lone Star State debut, El-Hazaan said his group would join ongoing operations in progressive, anti-gun states like New York, New Jersey, and California. “We need fertile environments where citizens do nothing to defend American freedom, embrace authoritarian government, are not armed, and where police are more likely to shoot bystanders instead of our soldiers,” said El-Hazaan.
Back in Garland an investigation into the shooting continues as bodies of the gunmen still lay to allow police and locals victorious “selfies” with the attackers’ corpses. A Garland Police spokesperson said the attackers’ bodies will be removed once the smell from their rotting remains is noticeable beyond the Culwell Center parking lot and that ‘residents wanting pictures better hurry.’ “It’s Springtime in Texas,” said the spokesperson, “these jihadis are getting ripe.”