Hemorrhoid Cream Flies Off DC Shelves After Obamacare All Nighter

Late night DC metro rail clogged with staffers searching Capitol drug stores for fiber gummies and tubes of soothing elixir.

by Jose Ramirez, Politocoat Thursday 3/9/2017

Washington D.C. Capitol South – Hill staffers went above and beyond the call of duty Wednesday night and early Thursday morning as their legislator bosses demanded to be supplied with seemingly endless tubes of hemorrhoid cream to alleviate hours of sitting through Obamacare amendment proposals.

House Ways and Means and Energy Commerce committee rooms held quorum for up to 30 hours of testimony and debate as Democrats and Republicans jousted over repeal and replace procedures for America’s worst legislative initiative since prohibition.

The cost, however, was much more than sleep deprivation and gallons of wasted premium coffee. Hours of sitting caused a massive pile up of hemorrhoidal pain for members of congress who sent their staffs into the dark streets of DC for tubular relief.

Usually when I see staffers out after dark it’s on the way to get hammered in Georgetown, not scouring the Capitol for relief of prawn butt,” said a legislative assistant for California Democrat Judy Chu.

Searchers quickly termed their DC scavenger hunt for scarce tubes fonny rocket lotion the “Individual Mandate” as members of congress instructed no one to return to Capitol Hill without relief in hand.

Other House members such as Danny Davis (D-IL) allowed their staff to suggest and employ alternative methods for relieving scad pain.

I couldn’t find no heap cream so my boss was like ‘make me a cold pack to bring down the swellin’.‘ I was thinking, how am I supposed to get a cold pack on his swollen ass when he’s in committee for twenty hours?” asked a Davis staffer who refused to be identified.

Complaints began to swell as certain staffers were found to be exempt from the “Individual Mandate” while others, such as legislative assistants and correspondence staff, were predominately chosen for the loathsome task.

I didn’t run into interns, office managers, or chiefs of staff roaming drug stores asking for assterrhoid cream. Only LAs and correspondence staff,” said a legislative assistants for Rep. Sander Levin.

“You’d think Interns would be ideal to collect coveted tubes of candy apple steamer lotion,” replied a Mike Thompson staffer. “But most interns are just college kids here for an experience. The Boss doesn’t want ‘Johnny Mailbag’ going back to the district after two months on the Hill saying his most memorable experience in Washington was searching for Congressman So-And-So’s wowrhoid cream.” 

House members seek relief while awaiting staffers to return with “good news”.

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