by Tyrone Watts, Politicoat 2/15/2015
Refusing a walker to aid in her elderly ambulation, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton took a nasty fall while attempting to board a private jet headed to a presidential fund-raising event in London, England.
Staff stated Mrs. Clinton ditched her walker to better evade sniper fire emanating from the woods near the quaint NY airport where her jet planned to depart. “The fundraiser will have to be rescheduled sometime after Mrs. Clinton completes physical therapy, but before she runs for president,” said Clinton’s chief of staff John Podesta.
Staff also indicated that instead of seeing the accident as a setback Mrs. Clinton will use her time in rehab to “refine the package she wants Americans to swallow” during the 2016 presidential campaign.
“There’s a lot we can do here,” said campaign manager-designate Robby Mook. “I mean, her hip is totally fucked but I think her face could get some touching up,” hinting Clinton might use her time in physical therapy to receive cosmetic surgery in a futile attempt to appear younger. “Just because she’s no longer legally allowed to drive doesn’t mean she can’t look young enough to do so.”
Others in the campaign, however, see Mrs. Clinton’s hip surgery as a setback in her ambitions to become the world’s most powerful person on earth. When asked if the event will make Hillary seem too old to run for national office a female Clinton staffer, who would not be named, stated, “There’s no way in hell she’ll win. She’s way too old and has absolutely no values or belief system. I’m just here for the money. The job pays well and, hello, free alcohol on private jets! Whut, Whut?!”
“It’s really too bad,” said Podesta, blankly staring at the empty jet sitting on the tarmac. “Mrs. Clinton’s walker is really totally bad ass. It’s like the most totally bad ass walker in the whole world. We really encourage her to use it.”