Hillary Clinton Handler Is Voodoo Witch Doctor

High Priest Stevenson Emanuel whispering incantations in Clinton's ear during a recent campaign event where she was startled and fell out of trance.

by Kelly McFelling, Politicoat Friday 9/9/2016

Months of speculation surrounding the mysterious black man matching Hillary Clinton’s every move has ended as sources revealed him to be Haitian Voodoo witch doctor Stevenson Emanuel.

Revered as a great healer who specializes in maintaining life among the undead, the legendary Port-Au-Prince medicine man abandoned his traditional tribal garb for the look of a US Secret Service agent to inundate the corpse of his newest client, Hillary Rodham Clinton, with incantations and elixirs to keep her animated and mimicking the appearance of an actual living being.

Clinton Communications Director Jennifer Palmieri has been tight lipped about the purpose of Emanuel since his earliest days with the campaign, but gave in to public pressure as rumors mounted he was a physician shadowing Clinton to inject her with powerful drugs should she suffer a seizure during one of her rare public appearances.

We want the public to know, putting these crazy conspiracy theories to rest, that High Priest Emanuel is not a medical doctor waiting to pump Secretary Clinton full of stimulants should she suffer another stroke,” Palmieri told reporters.

“Instead he is a well-respected traditional healer infusing Mrs. Clinton with satanism and fresh chicken blood to keep her otherwise lifeless body moving about the campaign trail.”

High Priest Emanuel will not, according to Palmieri, become available for interviews as he is acing as a direct medium between Clinton and Papa Legba, or Guardian of the Crossroads, for the duration of the campaign.

Asked if the campaign is torturing a Donald Trump Voodoo doll in an attempt to harm their Republican rival, Palmieri said “yes” but noted the doll was irreparably damaged by Campaign Manager Robby “The Bitch” Mook who used it to address a “sexual emergency” during a recent staff meeting and animal sacrifice ceremony.

Constructing another Trump Voodoo doll would require High Priest Emanuel to break his link between Secretary Clinton and Papa Legba which, at this late in the campaign, is not an option,” said Palmieri, adding Emanuel is performing spells around the clock to prepare Clinton for upcoming debates with the real Donald Trump that will occur in front of millions of living people.

Palmieri would not confirm reports that Mook disabling the Trump Voodoo doll is directly tied to the recent rise in Donald Trump’s poll numbers.

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