ISIS to Close Texas Branch. Seeks Action in Anti-Gun States

Local cleric says “fuck this” after two operatives quickly ventilated by Garland, TX police. 

by Lance Blanchard, Politicoat Friday 5/4/2015

     ISIS has announced it will cease operations and leave the state of Texas. Effective immediately the decision comes after the Islamic State painfully embarrassed itself in a botched attack on American Freedom Defense Initiative members during a free speech event at the Curtis Culwell Center in Garland Sunday night. 

In a recent statement Dallas-based cleric Mohammad el-Hazaan admits he was surprised how quickly his recruits assumed room temperature after attempting a mass shooting at an event that rewarded contestants to make satirical cartoon images of the Prophet Mohammad. 
“We had a lot of build up on social media before this attack,” said el-Hazaan. “There were plenty of statements about sharpening knives and blood in the streets, but this is not France. This is Texas,” conceded the 57-year-old Jihadist referencing the Charlie Hebdo attacks where 12 people were effortlessly killed by a pair of fumbling Islamic gunmen in “gun-free” Paris, France.
Prior to Sunday’s attack one of the gunmen, a 25-year-old former al-Shabab sex worker, made numerous social media posts claiming, “we will come to your streets with death and slaughter!” and to “Kill Those That Insult The Prophet.” Both he and his cohort were, however, dropped dead by Garland police who, in gun-dense Texas, are a benefit for, and not a danger to, the citizens they protect and serve.
Shela Grable, a Garland resident, was picking up a prescription at an area Target when the shooting began.“Everybody’s into guns here. Cops, civilians, grandmas, grandpas….. everybody’s carryin’,” said Grable. “You’d think the hajis would pick a state where they wouldn’t get their heads blown off for causin’ trouble.” 

Mohammad el-Hazaan agrees. “Gun-friendly states like Texas are inadequate bases of operation for Islamic State,” said el-Hazaan. “Not only are armed citizens a constant threat to our fighters, local police are well-trained, prepared and quite accurate with firearms.” 


When asked what the ISIS Texas chapter will do after their embarrassing Lone Star State debut, El-Hazaan said his group would join ongoing operations in progressive, anti-gun states like New York, New Jersey, and California. “We need fertile environments where citizens do nothing to defend American freedom, embrace the police state, are not armed, and where police are more likely to shoot bystanders instead of our soldiers,” said El-Hazaan.
Back in Garland an investigation into the shooting continues as bodies of the gunmen still lay to allow police and locals victorious “selfies” with the attackers’ corpses. A Garland Police spokesperson said the attackers’ bodies will be removed once the smell from their rotting remains is noticeable beyond the Culwell Center parking lot and that ‘residents wanting pictures better hurry.’ “It’s Springtime in Texas,” said the spokesperson, “these jihadis are getting ripe.”

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