Kasich Awakes From Coma, Assembles WH Cabinet

 by Jose Ramirez, Politicoat Thursday 4/7/2016

     Recovering from self-inflicted injuries sustained at a rally in Wisconsin, 2016 presidential obstructionist John Kasich awoke from a coma to find himself, for the first time, not polling behind someone already out of the race.

Staff present at Kasich’s bedside said their candidate was so energized, from seeing his picture and New York poll numbers behind front runner Donald Trump, he immediately gestured for pen and paper to jot down names of individuals for White House cabinet positions once he becomes President.

“I’m glad I made the list,” said delegate strategist Charlie Black. “I hope to become Labor Secretary, but so far there’s been no title placed next to my name.”

Kashich, working hard to regain his speech, muttered long, cryptic phrases to his campaign staff who struggled to understand him.

“He messed up his face really bad in Wisconsin. Trying to interpret him is like listening to a heavy Chinese accent spoken under water,” said delegate selection adviser Mike Biundo. “We know, for example, that ‘rheb rhush’ means ‘Jeb Bush’ but it’s cabinet positions he wants filled by these individuals we have the most trouble making out.”

Despite hospital doctors insisting he recover and rehabilitate, Kasich is eager to discharge and rejoin the campaign trail in NY. Fred Davis, Kasich’s media adviser, agrees.

“We don’t have a second to lose. We’ve finally taken a lead ahead of someone who is still in this race. John’s got to be out telling New Yorkers and America how much they need him, even if  motionlessly giving incomprehensible speeches from a wheeled, vertical gurney.”

Medical and linguistic specialists encouragingly listen as Kasich practices a speech for upcoming NY campaign stumps

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