Kasich Comes Out Swinging In Wisconsin, Injures Self

Reporters crowded among scrambling paramedics for a shot of the injured Kasich

by Lance Blanchard, Politicoat Friday 4/1/2016

The desperate political side show know as the Kasich 2016 presidential bid endured another setback when the Republican candidate, during a speaking event ahead of the Wisconsin primary, literally came out swinging like a boxer to show his fighting spirit, only to injure himself with blows to his own face. “He came to the podium throwing punches to show he was a fighter, but punched himself,” said Kasich supporter Cindy Verly.

Kasich, who is desperately short of delegates, money, and votes, is ramping up all aspects of his campaign going into the upcoming Wisconsin primary, despite lagging far behind former rival Marco Rubio who ended his presidential bid after losing the Florida primary in March.

Kasich has a committed but gravely insufficient following, and struggles to gain popularity among voters who can understand what the fuck he is talking about, yet plans to stay around and speak in esoteric Zen riddles until more Americans accept his significance to humanity.

“John’s leadership is exactly what this country needs, whether people realize it or not,” reiterated Cindy Verly, who admits traveling with the Kasich campaign as a paid spokesvoter. “I’m just not sure what his injuries will mean for me going forward,” she added.

Emergency Medical Teams that rushed to aid Kasich after injuring himself spoke to reporters on the candidate’s condition. “He’s pretty messed up,” said a medical technician who declined to give his name. “We’re talking about a guy who has never thrown a punch until today, much less been hit in the face. The effects are devastating,” he said, loading Kasich into an ambulance not bound for the White House.

Kasich landed blow after blow until he could no longer stand

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