by Kelly McFelling, Politicoat Wednesday 5/4/2016
Torturing viewers with a painfully long speech and overwhelming inflated sense of self worth, Ohio Governor, and longtime pointless Presidential candidate, John Kasich, relieved the American people of his candidacy during a press conference earlier today where, for thirty agonizing minutes of moralizing and self-aggrandizement, he finally uttered the long-awaited words “I hereby suspend my campaign.”
Continuing to bill himself as the only presidential contender capable of defeating Hillary Clinton in the general election, Kasich, during his concession speech, referenced how polls taken over the course of his flat-lining campaign favored him over Clinton as “less disliked” despite those polled having never heard of him.
Kasich removing himself from the race came as a relief to many, but a surprise to none, although it was earlier reported, to deep guttural laughter, he intended to stay in the race and continue raising funds after earning a dismal 7.5 percent of the vote and zero delegates in Tuesday’s May 3 Indiana primary.
Sources close to the campaign, however, indicate Kasich’s decision to abruptly cancel his campaign came down to the economic reality his mother would not give him anymore money to run for President. A move by his mom Kasich said is a “fucked up thing to do before Mother’s Day.”
In his agonizing speech Kasich repeated and repeated how important he was to the American people, how many lives he touched touring the nation, as if Christ himself, and how many hearts and minds he won among all who came into physical contact with him via hugs administered to both willing and unwilling recipients.
As national suicide rates precipitously rose during the 30 minutes of his speech, Kasich referenced the many trials and tribulations of his months too long campaign, including beating himself into intensive care during a rally in Wisconsin and attacking his own testicles at a cafe in Connecticut.
Earning the title “The Unflushable One” for his ‘stick to the bowl’ tenacity, Kasich was seen by himself, and a few others, as a fighter even though he lost every fight. Kasich campaign strategist John Weaver explained. “Have you ever taken a dump so huge it wouldn’t flush and you found yourself going to the backyard to look for a stick to go back into your house to cut and poke your giant turd down the toilet as you flush and flush to no avail?” asked Weaver. “Well, John was that turd.”
Following his surrender speech media professionals commented how the real loss in Kasich’s hopeless campaign is not so much for Kasich, who is an incumbent governor, or his campaign staff who will return to overpaid government jobs. “Many satirists and comedians from all sides of the political spectrum have put a lot of extra food on the table thanks to Kasich lampoonery,” said David Gallion, Senior Editor at Politicoat. “Now those people and their families will have to eat less.”