Kasich Injures “Delicates” At Connecticut Cafe

by Lance Blanchard, Politicoat Friday 4/22/2016

     Moments after receiving key endorsements from three of NASA’s top astronauts, hapless Republican enigma John Kasich has sustained another self-inflicted injury on the campaign trail.

Details initially came at a trickle, due to the sensitive nature of the accident, but campaign manager Beth Hansen has confirmed that Kasich repeatedly hit his own groin with “karate hands” while undergoing an epileptic laughing fit after a reporter suggested he ‘stop messing around and back front runner Donald Trump’.Kasich, who has begrudgingly earned the title “Fruit Ninja,” habitually makes wild chopping motions with the knife edges of his hands while elaborating on issues of public policy. According to eye witness reports it was this chopping motion Kasich was performing when struck with a gelastic seizure, or uncontrollable laughing fit, after being presented with the question about dropping out of the race.

The incident occurred at a Glastonbury cafe where Kasich was dining and courting potential voters ahead of Tuesday’s Connecticut primary. A registered nurse at the cafe, where Kasich injured himself, examined the Ohio governor and told reporters he will need medical attention and time to recover from nut trauma, despite five key primaries just days away.

Complicating matters for Kasich, however, is the fact he cannot receive medical treatment in the state of Connecticut since his Ohio-based Obamacare medical insurance will not cover his nuts outside of the Buckeye State.

Kasich, despite having 23 fewer delegates than Marco Rubio who dropped out after losing the Florida primary to Donald Trump in March, contends all is going according to plan and that he has Trump, with 697 more delegates, right where he wants him.

“We defeated Cruz in NY soundly after he was supposed to have momentum,” said Kasich strategist John Weaver. “But then John punched himself in the nuts.”

Campaign staff are now urging their candidate to return to Ohio for full medical treatment. “Functioning testicles are a key component to his White House bid since they produce male hormones like testosterone,” said campaign manager Beth Hanson. “Or in John’s case, hugs.”

Kasich 2016 political director Scott Blake agrees his candidate has no choice but to seek treatment saying he thinks Kasich is silently and painfully regretting his support for Obamacare now that his own testicles are in jeopardy.

Political rival Senator Ted Cruz was quick to capitalize on Kasich’s misfortune. Talking to a crowd of supporters during an afternoon rally in Scraton, PA Cruz said, “It looks like the Fruit Ninja has chopped his own P-E-A-R.”

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