Tears Rain After Senate Gun Control Flop

by Paul Berstien, Politicoat Tuesday 6/21/2016

     Tuesday was labeled “The Day After” for Senate Democrats who opportunistically pushed gun control following another completely preventable terror attack in Orlando, Florida.

All four gun control measures, from already-in-place background checks to adding every voting Republican to a terror watch list, failed in a 53-47 vote mostly along party lines.

For one Missouri company, however, the news was anything but bad as thousand of gallons of tears streamed from the faces of gun-hating liberals emotionally devastated by their inability to make Americans more vulnerable to criminal violence via gun control. 

Liberal Tears Gun Oil Chairman and CEO Micheal Johnson says the latest gun control defeat could not have come at a better time as supplies of his company’s popular product were starting to run low.

“Our biggest replenishing point was the defeat of post-Sandy Hook gun ban legislation in early 2013,” Johnson said. “Since then there have been opportunities to collect liberal tears on failures of various Democrat policies, but nothing gets liberal water works flowing like squashed gun control bills.”

Numerous clinical trials prove Liberal Tears Gun Oil is superior to conventional lubricants. Users of the highly sought after product claim it keeps their firearms free of mechanical malfunctions and prevents carbon build up, even after thousands of rounds.

Performance, however, comes at a cost as liberal tears must be directly collected from the puffy red checks of actual hypersensitive liberals having a good cry.

“We send out teams with containers of various sizes to collect tears from crying liberals,” Mike Stevens, head of Liberal Tears human resources, said. “Obviously we have to hire extra hands for days when gun control legislation is defeated since there are wailing liberals on every park bench and street corner in America,” Stevens said, revealing how his company’s “collectors” use a variety of methods to gather tears from extremely distraught progressives.

“Crying liberals who are standing while, say, riding a bus or ordering at Chipolte, require smaller containers which can be held to their cheeks or placed under their chins.”

According too Stevens the best case scenario for collecting liberal tears is when liberals are crying and sitting down.

“In this case we can place a bucket between the feet of the crying liberal and simply lean him or her over the bucket. This way their liberal tears fall directly from their eyes and are more pure, not having come into contact with their salty faces,” Stevens said.

“It’s great when you can find two or more sitting liberals crying together since their screaming lamentations encourage more crying among the group, yielding a jackpot of tears.”

CEO Micheal Johnson pointed out some drawbacks as not every crying liberal’s tears can be collected and sold to the public.

“What really frustrates us are kicking and screaming liberals. These little snow flakes are extremely high output as a result of being so viscerally pissed, but the hardest to collect tears from,” Johnson said.

Asked if he has concerns about the demand for his product during a pro-gun Trump administration Johnson said,  “although no one has been better for gun proliferation than Obama, liberals will still be around crying harder than ever during a Trump presidency.


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