Maine Eateries Plagued By “Phantom Shitters”

by Jose Ramirez, Politicoat Saturday 6/18/2016

     An Owner of restaurants in Maine is facing an unforeseen influx of phantom shitters after posting she will refuse service to proponents of AR15 rifles after the deadly Orlando terror attack where an AR15 was not used by a gay Islamic jihadist to kill 49 people and wound more than 50 others.

Anne Verrill, owner of the Foreside Tavern and Grace restaurants, said she does not want to take guns away from people, unless those guns are AR15s.

“I don’t want to take away guns from responsible gun owners, but want people to not have the power to own weapons of war,” Verrill said in a contradictory statement.

Verrill’s now-deleted anti-AR Facebook post is, however, having an unexpected affect as gun owners and freedom advocates flock to her places of business to drop a very strong message, and leave it there.

Associated with folklore and mythology, phantom shitters are disgruntled pranksters who defecate in locations other than a toilet for the purpose of causing havoc and mayhem.

“Most people just boycott businesses to show their disagreement with owner politics, but is totally ridiculous,” Verrill said, informing all she wants is the constitutional due process rights of Republican gun owners obviated by placing them on a government-controlled watch list that will permanently forbid them from owning firearms.

Police called to the scene of phantom shittings say their hands are tied as currently there is no law in Maine against the practice of taking a crap outside of a toilet with the intent of making a political statement.

“One guy was yelling ‘Brutal! Brutal!’ at the prowess of the dump he took on the floor of our men’s room,” Verrill said. “We called 911 but the man was gone by the time police arrived. They told us there’s nothing they could do despite having the guy’s tag number and plenty of solid evidence.”

The episodes that started with Verrill’s restaurants have become such a phenomenon, phantom shitters who are not gun owners, or even Republican, are engaging in copy cat shits throughout the Pine Tree State and beyond.

“We’ve got to get control of this mess before we become known as the Pine Sol State,” said one local law maker who did not want to be identified with the sensitive nature of what is becoming a statewide epidemic.

Legislators in the liberal, anti-gun state are considering an emergency session to address the issue, although it is thought to be too little, too late as the phantom shitting stage will have run its course by the time Verrill’s and other eateries close due to being associated with rebel turds.

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