Walmart Raises Employee Pay To Curb Theft

By Lance Blanchard, Politicoat 2/26/2015
     Intent on stopping rampant employee theft within its company, publicly-traded retail giant Walmart (WMT) announced it will raise its hourly wage from $7.25 to a whopping $9.00 an hour. The move is seen as a compromise between Walmart and demands of its workers who insist theft is necessary to supplement low wages.

Mike Brand, Walmart director for human resources, is the policy’s chief architect. “We presented our employees with a simple idea; take home more money instead products off our shelves and cash out of our registers,” said the thirty-something executive.

“I like the pay hike,” said Kesha Jones, a sporadic employee. “When I came here I thought them cameras wuz watchin’ customers. Next thing I know some dude from loss prevention wuz like, ‘We caught you stealin.’ So I was like, ‘up yours, Homie!’ But to myself I was, like, ‘daaaamn… cameras don’t miss much!,” whispered Jones, who has repeatedly been fired and rehired.

Asked if more take home pay will incentivize her to stop stealing from Walmart, Aakaanksha Aduyamami, a 46-year-old mother of two, said, “I accuse customers of stealing to draw attention from myself. This morning a young mom was buying diapers at the self checkout. I knew she paid, but I stopped her in front of my manager and demanded to see her receipt. The customer was pissed, but my manager was impressed.”

Investors, however, are not happy about the increase in hourly wages, which is expected to cost the company dearly in revenue. “Walmart just took a billion bucks and crammed it right down the toilet with… one of those things you use on toilets,” said Brian Meeks who manages an investment fund with a twenty percent holding in Walmart stock. “Things were fine at $7.25 an hour. Stuff got stolen but the stock wasn’t getting trashed, was it?”

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