– “Not today, motherfukers,” Gianforte quips in unremorseful victory speech.
– Trump calls to congratulate and yuck it up with Representative Elect. Gets pointers on “dealing with” members of the media.
– Infamous ‘JJDS’ makes “yuge” comeback to American politics.
– DC insiders purchase protective gear in expectation of similar treatment as Gianforte heads to Washington.
by Kelly McFelling, Politicoat Friday 5/26/2017
Bozeman, Montana – Republican Greg Gianforte won special election for Montana’s sole US House seat, despite the tech entrepreneur/politician receiving a misdemeanor assault charge hours prior to the final vote tally.
Gallatin Country Sheriff’s office said they leveled a single charge against Gianforte for what witnesses claim were a series of assaults, but admitted they would not pursue more charges since the aggrieved party was a member of the liberal media establishment.
“What Mr. Gianforte did was, in the eyes of the law, wrong, but let’s be perfectly clear. Mixing it up with a member of the liberal press scored points with Montana voters. That kept our state from being represented by a commie Democrat,” said a department spokesperson.
Prior to the assault, a three person Fox News team was setting up to interview Gianforte at his Bozeman campaign headquarters where a BBQ for volunteers was taking place in an adjoining room.
That is when, according to the team, a disgruntled reporter from the Guardian newspaper rushed into the room, shoved a recording device in Gianforte’s face, and demanded answers about the GOP Obamacare overhaul.
“Mr. Gianforte was enraged by the Guardian reporter’s actions, slammed him to the ground and delivered a few punches for good measure,” said a Fox field producer present during the altercation.
“The Congressman elect then exposed himself to the downed reporter and said, ‘don’t leave without some free BBQ‘ before slapping the Guardian employee across the face with his, um, special election,” said the Fox News team member.
The Guardian reporter, with broken glasses hanging over a red tubular mark on the left side of his face, struggled to his feet demanding police be called and witnesses detained.
Sheriff deputies arrived and held back laughter while taking statements from the victim whom insisted sexual assault charges be levied against Gainforte for using the thought-extinct “jupin’ jack dick slap” (JJDS) to add insulting injury to existing injury.
“He thew me to the ground, punched me, then slonge slapped me across the face as I was trying to stand up,” the Guardian reporter was overheard telling snickering sheriff deputies.
Endeavoring to contain themselves while conducting official duties, deputies reluctantly issued Gianforte a misdemeanor assault citation for which he will answer to in court by June 7.
“JJDS is serious business that leaves a lasting red mark on your face,” said a Democrat operative with extensive knowledge on the matter.
“Although used with some degree of regularity in this business, there hasn’t been a high-profile JJDS incident since the early 90s,” the person added.
JJDS, or The Slap as it will forever be known in Montana, is a form of political admonishment invented by former President Bill Clinton to punish White House interns for poor performance of unofficial duties.
Until now there have been zero notable occurrences of Republicans using JJDS against members of their political opposition.
With the Gianforte incident more questions are arising about the frequency of the thought-to-be inactive technique within both parties.
“This assault of our reporter has brought new light to a serious issue facing the political future of our nations,” said Guardian editor-in-chief Katharine Viner. “We need to know how many political candidates and incumbent politicians are slapping people with their todgers, and to what extent the Russians are involved.”
At Bozeman campaign headquarters Gianforte’s victory speech more resembled a stand up routine as the representative elect commanded huge laughs recalling his altercation with the Guardian reporter.
“It was a very hard, very special election but at the end of the day we smacked it right across the faces of the opposition, and won,” Gianforte said in a closing statement.