Mr. President, The DNC Needs A New Chair

by Kelly McFelling, Politicoat Friday 5/20/2016 

Editor’s Note: Kelly McFelling’s depiction of Debbie Wasserman Schultz is an adaptation of Jonathan Tasini’s opinion piece recently featured on CNN.com and is not, in any way, an endorsement of  socialist Bernie Sanders who supports an economic system that has killed more innocent people, via government brutality and starvation, than all combined wars of the twentieth and twenty first century. 


     The President of the United States needs to make a phone call. He needs to call Debbie Wasserman Schultz and demand, for the good of the Democratic party and human eyesight, she be replaced with someone who did not fall from the top of an ugly dyke tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Obviously the Democratic party is headed for an extremely contested convention where scores of angry women with extremely disproportionate body sizes will tax the maximum endurance of stadium seating, concession stand output, and public toilet intake.

During this nationally-televised convention millions of Americans need to look up at the podium to see a Democratic chairperson whose face will not stop a UPS truck or cause a perfectly good mirror to break itself in protest. Wasserman Schultz is not that chairperson.

As a female Democrat, Wasserman Schultz has every right to look as unattractive as she pleases. As DNC chairperson, however, Americans tuning into the July Philadelphia convention need to see there are actually attractive women in the Democratic party (well, not in policy making but in media and entertainment venues if you can peer deep enough to find some appealing facial features not deformed by years of anger and resentment over non-existent patriarchal society and the fictitious gender wage gap), not Wasserman Schultz who looks as if she lost five or more consecutive UFC title fights by TKO.

Let’s start with her hair. You would think in the year 2016 the perm, which ironically sounds like the male reproductive fluid hated by feminists, would be unpopular to the point of criminality. Instead, Schultz, not seeking advice from anyone with the slightest fashion sense, continues to exhibit the most repulsive hair style imaginable with zero regard for the eyes of those who intentionally or accidentally see her.

Putting her foot on a scale is a death sentence for that scale as supporters, for years, have encouraged her to eat fewer meals and wear looser clothing. In December, when the DNC pantry was breached by a Sanders staffer who accessed a vault of snacks marked “DWS”, the Sanders campaign immediately terminated the hungry staffer and reiterated to the DNC that its food pantry padlock was deeply flawed. Instead of coming together for an even distribution of Oreos, Wasserman Schultz immediately locked out all Sanders Campaign staff from the DNC food pantry, crippling efforts for the chairperson to have a lower daily caloric intake.

Following the Nevada state convention, Wasserman Schultz went on national TV at a time when Americans were having dinner. There was no violence but millions of dollars of food was wasted as families from around the country collectively tossed meals they were unable to eat after seeing images of the DNC chair.

Taken together, her level of unattractiveness and huge butt underscore how Wasserman Schultz is entirely void of the one thing the DNC chair must have: good looks. She has abused the eyes of both Democrats and Republicans to such an extent a large portion of her tax-paid income should be donated to Heritage for the Blind as restitution for her crimes against vision. Not to mention: Wasserman Schultz has been a solid leader in promoting anorexia among women and men.

With the hair of Dog the Bounty Hunter, face of Steve Buscemi, hips of Hillary Clinton, and chest of Rachel Maddow, Wasserman Schultz’s tenure as DNC chair has seen Democrats lose 12 US Senate seats and 67 state legislatures, with 24 states now under complete Republican control.

A few somewhat relatively attractive Democrat females stand ready to replace Debbie Wasserman “Boner-Killer” Schultz as DNC chair.

Mr. President, make the call.

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