“Never Trump” Republicans Form Mass Suicide Pact

by Paul Bernstein, Politicoat Sunday 5/1/2016
   In what is being called the largest temper tantrum in American political history, a group of Republican party leaders have formed a mass suicide pact to show they are dead serious about preventing Donald Trump from becoming the party’s 2016 presidential nominee.

The pact, in which scores of institutional Republican jackoffs promise to kill themselves, was formed to make voters feel really, really bad after giving Trump five more states in last Tuesday’s April 26 primary.

Closet homosexual senator Lindsey Graham, who organized the suicide pact, said in a news conference how much he and others in the GOP establishment will be missed in the event they have to off themselves.

Using a neocon phrase from the nation’s largest foreign policy disaster, Bill Kristol called Trump a “weapon of mass destruction” and said the American people will be “very sorry” for their mistake if Trump becomes the nominee for which Kristol, and other leftovers from the era of big “conservative” government, will be required to suck start a 9mm.

Obama colleague John Boehner, who earlier attempted to cripple Trump by calling Ted Cruz “Lucifer,” gleefully joined the pact saying suicide has been on his mind for some time, plus he is not well liked by Hollywood liberals fleeing to Canada.

Radio evangelist Glen Beck, who has consumed a lifetime of shit sandwiches in the past ten months, said he will consider joining the suicide pact if it will boost his listening audience.

The establishment Republican suicide threat adds another layer of disarray to what is already the most unusual presidential primary in history. Kevin Booker is a political science professor covering the campaigns. “Technically, in the eyes of primary voters, the establishment committed suicide with the Bush Administration and has, ironically, spent the last eight years immolating its own remains disguised as Congress. A branch of government intended as a check on executive power,” said Booker.

Politicoat recently spoke with Indiana Republican delegate Mike Naiper from his home in Indianapolis. “This pact essentially threatens primary voters with rewards,” said Naiper. “I immediately changed my support from Cruz to Trump after hearing Senator Graham and the Republican elite promising to kill themselves.”

Donald Trump, when asked to comment on the Republican establishment suicide pact, said he considers the threat “empty,” calling it another broken Washington campaign promise. “Except for Romney,” shouted Trump. “He needs to do it for the past four years of Obama, that prick.”

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