No Throne For The Boss: Springsteen Cancels NC Performance

The Ties That Bind One’s Bladder
 by Paul Berstein, Politcoat Monday 4/11/2016

     A recent North Carolina potty policy has stalled another assault on standards and human decency as rock star, and transgender enforcement specialist, Bruce Springsteen canceled a performance in the Tar Heel state due to horribly-dressed men with poor taste in woman’s shoes being legally prohibited from public restrooms designated for biological females.

Springsteen, popularly known as The Boss, released a written statement, yet to be understood by anyone, where he said the NC bathroom law is “an attempt by people who cannot stand the progress our country has made in recognizing human rights of all our citizens to overturn that progress.”

Springsteen also said that transgender activists demanding use of toilets not correlated to their birth genitals are “freedom fighters” with whom he and his band wish to show solidarity.

As a mouthy, unaccountable celebrity using fame to influence social policy, however, Springsteen made no mention of human rights for North Carolinian women, boys, and girls who would be forcibly exposed anytime a transgender “freedom fighter” entered a public or school restroom based on their personal sexual identity and not the gender on their birth certificate.

Brian Andrews, general manager for the Greensboro Coliseum, where the now canceled concert was to be held, said a lot of working class fans who personally relate to Springsteen, and the blue color ethos of his music, have no idea he is a “queer lover.”

“A lot of fans are unaware of their idol’s, shall we say, progressive social causes,” said Andrews from his office where staff are processing thousands of refunds to disappointed concert goers. “Personally I don’t give a rat’s about his politics, but at the same time I can’t have a bunch of ugly-ass dudes in dresses using woman’s restrooms and calling it social activism, okay?”

Sources close to Springsteen and his East Street Band, however, say the aging lead musician has less of an issue with North Carolina law but is, in fact, using liberal social justice as a cover for a weak bladder that requires frequent restroom breaks and quick access to toilets, whether man’s or woman’s.

“Bruce has to go a lot and is often Born to Run to the restroom between songs,” jested Sandy Sullivan, Springsteen’s US-based tour manager. “I mean, there’s noting like a case of Thunder Butt to give Bruce a Pink Cardiac when there’s no Human Toilet available,” she added. “Woman’s restrooms are often closer to the stage, or at least One Step Down When He Needs Pee,” Sullivan giggled. “No one’s Tougher Than The Restroom.”

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