Politics

 Clinton Chairman Podesta Touts Hillary’s Foreign Policy Cred

John+Podesta[1]

by Chong Wong, Politicoat Monday 6/6/2016     Clinton 2016 Campaign Chairman John Podesta graced the political TV circuit Sunday promoting the multiple foreign policy achievements of Hillary Clinton as the most traveled and pampered kleptocrat to ever hold office at the US State Department.

The former Obama adviser and founder of the Center for Real American Progress, or CRAP, was animate about Mrs. Clinton’s record as Secretary of State, readily discussing the successes his candidate overlooked during her foreign policy speech where she referred to Donald Trump a ‘global lightweight with small hands.’

Podesta, whose CRAP promotes US government accommodation of low IQ illegal aliens, a dumbed-down compliant electorate, and easy-to-control progressive media, pointed to Clinton’s Middle East policies that, for the first time in American history, have isolated Israel and brought an unprecedented level of instability to the region.

Podesta highlighted how Clinton, starting her State Department tenure with a reasonably stable Middle East, successfully aided the Obama Administration in eviscerating the domestic security of Iraq, Syria, and Libya, created ISIS and caused millions of radicalized male Muslims to invade Europe bringing indiscriminate rape and genetic attrition.

Reluctant to depart from Hillary’s numerous successful Middle East ventures, Podesta spotlighted Islamic Persia where Clinton laid the groundwork for the Obama/Iran nuclear deal, which will allow the terror theocracy funds and infrastructure to develop an arsenal of apocalyptic weapons.

Saving her most heralded foreign policy achievement for last, Podesta focused on the very profitable Clinton Foundation that collects millions from self-serving foreign and domestic donors seeking classified information and unfettered US government access at the expense and personal safety of the American people.

Resting his case for her foreign policy prowess the campaign chairman referenced Mrs. Clinton’s leadership in the recently desegregated Clinton Global Sex Initiativewhich, founded by former President Bill Clinton, is the world’s largest for profit global sex consortium subjugating scores of minor and barely adult males and females from the world’s poorest countries.

Summing it up Mr. Podesta said the world being a far more fucked up place, with just four years of Hillary as Secretary of State, suggested Americans imagine the endless possibilities if she becomes President.


 Hillary Attacks Bernie With “Berries”

Clinton: “You know what they’re calling Bernie nowadays, don’t you?”
by Tyrone Watts, Politicoat Tuesday 5/24/2016

     Increasingly annoyed with Bernie Sanders persistent hanging around, the Clinton campaign employed a series of slogans aimed at diminishing the Vermont Senator’s populous cling among Democratic voters ahead of the vital California primary.

Specifically, Secretary Clinton used a variety of unappetizing derogatory phrases to describe her rival as a delinquent partial turd stubbornly clinging to the butt bush of the Democratic primary landscape.

During a Los Angeles town hall Clinton repeatedly called Sanders “Senator Dingelberry” before moving onto a working families speaking event where she referred to her chief rival as “Captain Dingelbery” and “Uncle Dingelberry” ending the day, as only a Clinton would, with a fundraiser where she solidified the personification of her plucky elderly opponent as “Grandpa Dingelberry”.

“No one knows how to repeat stuff over and over like Hillary,” said Robie Mook, Mrs. Clinton’s campaign manager. “We’re using the imagery of stinky residual poo to emotionally dislodge Bernie from his base of support,” said Mook, who is managing Clinton’s imploding 2016 White House bid after demonstrating her insurmountable unpopularity in the 2008 evisceration by, then, Senator Barack Obama. “We got a real winner with this dingleberry thing, and the Sanders camp better watch out,” added Mook.

In response, Senator Bernie Sanders says he somewhat likes the names as they have a nice ring. “Personally. I think. The names. Secretary Clinton. Has. Chosen. For me. Are. Kind of. Endearing,” commented Sanders.

 Mr. President, The DNC Needs A New Chair

by Kelly McFelling, Politicoat Friday 5/20/2016 

Editor’s Note: Kelly McFelling’s depiction of Debbie Wasserman Schultz is an adaptation of Jonathan Tasini’s opinion piece recently featured on CNN.com and is not, in any way, an endorsement of  socialist Bernie Sanders who supports an economic system that has killed more innocent people, via government brutality and starvation, than all combined wars of the twentieth and twenty first century. 


     The President of the United States needs to make a phone call. He needs to call Debbie Wasserman Schultz and demand, for the good of the Democratic party and human eyesight, she be replaced with someone who did not fall from the top of an ugly dyke tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Obviously the Democratic party is headed for an extremely contested convention where scores of angry women with extremely disproportionate body sizes will tax the maximum endurance of stadium seating, concession stand output, and public toilet intake.

During this nationally-televised convention millions of Americans need to look up at the podium to see a Democratic chairperson whose face will not stop a UPS truck or cause a perfectly good mirror to break itself in protest. Wasserman Schultz is not that chairperson.

As a female Democrat, Wasserman Schultz has every right to look as unattractive as she pleases. As DNC chairperson, however, Americans tuning into the July Philadelphia convention need to see there are actually attractive women in the Democratic party (well, not in policy making but in media and entertainment venues if you can peer deep enough to find some appealing facial features not deformed by years of anger and resentment over non-existent patriarchal society and the fictitious gender wage gap), not Wasserman Schultz who looks as if she lost five or more consecutive UFC title fights by TKO.

Let’s start with her hair. You would think in the year 2016 the perm, which ironically sounds like the male reproductive fluid hated by feminists, would be unpopular to the point of criminality. Instead, Schultz, not seeking advice from anyone with the slightest fashion sense, continues to exhibit the most repulsive hair style imaginable with zero regard for the eyes of those who intentionally or accidentally see her.

Putting her foot on a scale is a death sentence for that scale as supporters, for years, have encouraged her to eat fewer meals and wear looser clothing. In December, when the DNC pantry was breached by a Sanders staffer who accessed a vault of snacks marked “DWS”, the Sanders campaign immediately terminated the hungry staffer and reiterated to the DNC that its food pantry padlock was deeply flawed. Instead of coming together for an even distribution of Oreos, Wasserman Schultz immediately locked out all Sanders Campaign staff from the DNC food pantry, crippling efforts for the chairperson to have a lower daily caloric intake.

Following the Nevada state convention, Wasserman Schultz went on national TV at a time when Americans were having dinner. There was no violence but millions of dollars of food was wasted as families from around the country collectively tossed meals they were unable to eat after seeing images of the DNC chair.

Taken together, her level of unattractiveness and huge butt underscore how Wasserman Schultz is entirely void of the one thing the DNC chair must have: good looks. She has abused the eyes of both Democrats and Republicans to such an extent a large portion of her tax-paid income should be donated to Heritage for the Blind as restitution for her crimes against vision. Not to mention: Wasserman Schultz has been a solid leader in promoting anorexia among women and men.

With the hair of Dog the Bounty Hunter, face of Steve Buscemi, hips of Hillary Clinton, and chest of Rachel Maddow, Wasserman Schultz’s tenure as DNC chair has seen Democrats lose 12 US Senate seats and 67 state legislatures, with 24 states now under complete Republican control.

A few somewhat relatively attractive Democrat females stand ready to replace Debbie Wasserman “Boner-Killer” Schultz as DNC chair.

Mr. President, make the call.

 


Refugees Fleeing Obama’s Transgender America

Potty Social Justice Warrior US Attorney General Loretta Lynch

by Shannon Kelding, Politicaot Thursday 5/12/2016
 
      In a worst case scenario of unintended consequences the Obama Justice Department, by forcing transgender sex onto the American public, has disenfranchised a key constituency as millions of violent refugees from the Middle East flee the United States over undateable women being allowed use of public restrooms not correlated to their birth genitals. 


Muhammad al-Salam, former ISIS operative from the Syrian front, was recently granted refugee status in American suburbia after being refused entry into Turkey for possessing weapons, explosives, and human heads. “I cannot believe dis Obama transgender sheeet,” said al-Salam. “First he say he us. Now he want us pee with woman. On what toilet does he sit?” lamented al-Salam yelling, “Fak Obama! Fak him!” 

The White House has gone into full crisis mode to prevent a mass exodus of violent male refugees as their departure from the US would threaten the President’s multifaceted approach of using sexual assault, jihad, and Marxist engineering to unravel what remains of American social fabric.


Speaking from the White House briefing room Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained how broadening already generous financial benefits to men from the most violent and socially dysfunctional places on earth is important to the President, as is completely ruining the United States between now and the end of his term.

Although the President did not foresee this level of anger coming from the violent male refugee community he is taking necessary measures to accommodate the two counter cultures for the purpose of transforming America into an unrecognizable shit hole,” said Earnest.

Critics of the bifurcated policy of forced transsexualism and importation of violent, irrational men say it is wishful thinking, on the part of the Administration, as militant Muslims will never populate a country whose national priority is allowing women access to male restrooms.


The political schism has also exposed a divide between progressive transsexuals, who are welcoming to anyone not from the civilized Western world, and their intolerant male refugee counterparts who happily and readily decapitate any LGBT person within reach.

Muhammad al-Salam and his comrades from the Syrian front say they will repetition for asylum in Europe where transgender policies are not forced onto the public yet where governments are apt to blame their own citizens for being raped and murdered by violent migrants disgusted by Western society.

Submitting an emergency spending bill to Congress, the Obama administration has requested billions of deficit dollars to prevent scores of violent, low IQ Syrian war fighters form leaving the country in transphobic droves while promising to keep public and school restrooms open to potential sex offenders claiming transgender toilet privileges.

Former Obama supporter al-Salam: “Fak him!”


GOP Policy Experts Say “No” To Trump

by Lance Blanchard, Politicoat Monday 5/9/2016

     Top GOP policy veterans are already saying no to jobs they will never be offered under a Trump presidency. Showing who’s boss, scores of former Washington DC executive managers under George W. Bush are saying “count me out” when it comes to the impossibility of being asked to serve in the increasingly probable Trump White House.


“I would never serve in a Trump administration,” said former George W. Bush OMB director James Capretta from the gas station where he works part time as an auto cleaning specialist. “The person at the top would be unfit for the presidency,” continued Capretta while coating the wheels of a gainfully-employed person’s Corvette with extra-wet tire shine.

Former Bush 43 Treasury official Matt McDonald agrees. “I wouldn’t vote for Trump, much less work for him,” said McDonald from behind his station of fresh vegetables and deli meats, expressing how a President Trump would have to settle for less-experienced ‘B and C people’ as opposed to experts like himself who will continue working shitty, low wage jobs in protest.

“You’d have to worry too much about your future career and the way you’d be perceived working for Trump,” added former W. Bush EPA undersecretary Jack Barlow from a PITSTOP USA where he exchanges automobile fluids in 30 minutes or less.

Former Republican policy experts from the Energy to Defense are showing they mean business by refusing any of the 3000 high-level federal jobs they will never be offered by the Trump Administration.

The lack of experienced people willing to staff the world’s most costly and ineffectual
government is, however, worrying voters who share concerns that, under a Trump presidency, Washington will no longer be able to provide top-level incompetence and inefficiency. 

Hillary Clinton Found! Post Indiana Primary Update

by Chong Wong, Politicaot Thursday 5/5/2016

     Wrongly thought to be in FBI custody, Hillary Clinton spent time away from the campaign trail imposing Sharia law on the bare backs of her senior campaign staff for enduring another crushing defeat by Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders in Tuesday’s Indiana Primary. Reports indicate Clinton severely beat her campaign staff until both arms hung at her sides like wet noodles from exhaustion.

Calmed and recharged from verbally and physically abusing her subordinates, Clinton later emerged looking rested and cheerful as she joked in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper about easily defeating “blustering and bullying” Republican nominee Donald Trump in the upcoming November general election.

In her characteristic satanic cackle Clinton brushed off questions about blood splatter on her face and clothes, instead suggesting Cooper focus on the issues of the campaign. “Anderson, voters are not interested in whether this red substance on my face and clothes is Sriracha sauce or human blood,” said a hysterically laughing Clinton.

Senior Clinton campaign staff could not be reached for comment, or welfare check, as it is assumed they are under sedation and being injected with heavy antibiotics to recover from injuries ahead of next Tuesday’s West Virginia primary where Clinton is expected to display another poor showing to rival Sanders.

Kasich Finally Gives Campaign Long Kiss Goodbye

by Kelly McFelling, Politicoat Wednesday 5/4/2016

     Torturing viewers with a painfully long speech and overwhelming inflated sense of self worth, Ohio Governor, and longtime pointless Presidential candidate, John Kasich, relieved the American people of his candidacy during a press conference earlier today where, for thirty agonizing minutes of moralizing and self-aggrandizement, he finally uttered the long-awaited words “I hereby suspend my campaign.”

Continuing to bill himself as the only presidential contender capable of defeating Hillary Clinton in the general election, Kasich, during his concession speech, referenced how polls taken over the course of his flat-lining campaign favored him over Clinton as “less disliked” despite those polled having never heard of him.

Kasich removing himself from the race came as a relief to many, but a surprise to none, although it was earlier reported, to deep guttural laughter, he intended to stay in the race and continue raising funds after earning a dismal 7.5 percent of the vote and zero delegates in Tuesday’s May 3 Indiana primary.

Sources close to the campaign, however, indicate Kasich’s decision to abruptly cancel his campaign came down to the economic reality his mother would not give him anymore money to run for President. A move by his mom Kasich said is a “fucked up thing to do before Mother’s Day.”

In his agonizing speech Kasich repeated and repeated how important he was to the American people, how many lives he touched touring the nation, as if Christ himself, and how many hearts and minds he won among all who came into physical contact with him via hugs administered to both willing and unwilling recipients. 

As national suicide rates precipitously rose during the 30 minutes of his speech, Kasich referenced the many trials and tribulations of his months too long campaign, including beating himself into intensive care during a rally in Wisconsin and attacking his own testicles at a cafe in Connecticut.


Earning the title “The Unflushable One” for his ‘stick to the bowl’ tenacity, Kasich was seen by himself, and a few others, as a fighter even though he lost every fight. Kasich campaign strategist John Weaver explained. “Have you ever taken a dump so huge it wouldn’t flush and you found yourself going to the backyard to look for a stick to go back into your house to cut and poke your giant turd down the toilet as you flush and flush to no avail?” asked Weaver. “Well, John was that turd.”

Following his surrender speech media professionals commented how the real loss in Kasich’s hopeless campaign is not so much for Kasich, who is an incumbent governor, or his campaign staff who will return to overpaid government jobs. “Many satirists and comedians from all sides of the political spectrum have put a lot of extra food on the table thanks to Kasich lampoonery,” said David Gallion, Senior Editor at Politicoat. “Now those people and their families will have to eat less.”


 

Clinton Speeches Released By Goldman Sachs

Clinton: “I hold the schooling whip high then bring its end firm onto the buttocks.”
 by Jose Ramirez, Politicoat Sunday 5/1/2016
 

     Claiming it wants to avoid negative public and political pressure in the upcoming general election, finance and banking combine Goldman Sachs (GS) decided to release all transcripts of speeches 2016 Democrat presidential contender Hillary Clinton gave during her final year as President Obama’s Secretary of State.

In total Clinton gave three speeches to Goldman-associated events throughout 2013 for which she was paid $675,000 to glorify the global banking sector she now, as candidate Clinton, wants regulated with kidnappings and public executions.

Coupled with ‘sounding like a Goldman managing director,’ as one speech attendee put it, Clinton showed her softer side not known to those familiar with the angry, brash politician seasoned by the rough seas of self-interested governmental activism.

Clinton, in her monologues, added personal insights about how she relaxes and ‘enjoys life’ outside of work by pulling off the arms and legs of insects, horse whipping naked buttocks of off duty male Secret Service agents, and dining on the innards of forced third world organ donors.

Clinton also spoke highly of Goldman’s work ethic during the 2008 financial collapse, praised its senior management for their “effective mitigation” of the American mortgage crisis, and, if given chance as President of the United States, promised to ‘take a look’ at portions of Dodd/Frank most disadvantageous to the financial sector.

Sources inside the firm say Goldman did not simply pay Clinton to make speeches, for which she earned grotesque sums to display disturbing levels of narcissistic cruelty to insects and humans, but to consider her as a company representative following her term at State.

After the third of what was to be four speeches, however, the Goldman Board decided not to move forward with Clinton citing her “dishonesty and vampiristic thirst for human blood” that would make the most seasoned Wall Street reprobate blush burnt red.


“Never Trump” Republicans Form Mass Suicide Pact

by Paul Bernstein, Politicoat Sunday 5/1/2016
 

   In what is being called the largest temper tantrum in American political history, a group of Republican party leaders have formed a mass suicide pact to show they are dead serious about preventing Donald Trump from becoming the party’s 2016 presidential nominee.

The pact, in which scores of institutional Republican jackoffs promise to kill themselves, was formed to make voters feel really, really bad after giving Trump five more states in last Tuesday’s April 26 primary.

Closet homosexual senator Lindsey Graham, who organized the suicide pact, said in a news conference how much he and others in the GOP establishment will be missed in the event they have to off themselves.

Using a neocon phrase from the nation’s largest foreign policy disaster, Bill Kristol called Trump a “weapon of mass destruction” and said the American people will be “very sorry” for their mistake if Trump becomes the nominee for which Kristol, and other leftovers from the era of big “conservative” government, will be required to suck start a 9mm.

Obama colleague John Boehner, who earlier attempted to cripple Trump by calling Ted Cruz “Lucifer,” gleefully joined the pact saying suicide has been on his mind for some time, plus he is not well liked by Hollywood liberals fleeing to Canada.

Radio evangelist Glen Beck, who has consumed a lifetime of shit sandwiches in the past ten months, said he will consider joining the suicide pact if it will boost his listening audience.

The establishment Republican suicide threat adds another layer of disarray to what is already the most unusual presidential primary in history. Kevin Booker is a political science professor covering the campaigns. “Technically, in the eyes of primary voters, the establishment committed suicide with the Bush Administration and has, ironically, spent the last eight years immolating its own remains disguised as Congress. A branch of government intended as a check on executive power,” said Booker.

Politicoat recently spoke with Indiana Republican delegate Mike Naiper from his home in Indianapolis. “This pact essentially threatens primary voters with rewards,” said Naiper. “I immediately changed my support from Cruz to Trump after hearing Senator Graham and the Republican elite promising to kill themselves.”

Donald Trump, when asked to comment on the Republican establishment suicide pact, said he considers the threat “empty,” calling it another broken Washington campaign promise. “Except for Romney,” shouted Trump. “He needs to do it for the past four years of Obama, that prick.”


Kasich Injures “Delicates” At Connecticut Café

by Lance Blanchard, Politicoat Friday 4/22/2016

     Moments after receiving key endorsements from three of NASA’s top astronauts, hapless Republican enigma John Kasich has sustained another self-inflicted injury on the campaign trail.

Details initially came at a trickle, due to the sensitive nature of the accident, but campaign manager Beth Hansen has confirmed that Kasich repeatedly hit his own groin with “karate hands” while undergoing an epileptic laughing fit after a reporter suggested he ‘stop messing around and back front runner Donald Trump’.Kasich, who has begrudgingly earned the title “Fruit Ninja,” habitually makes wild chopping motions with the knife edges of his hands while elaborating on issues of public policy. According to eye witness reports it was this chopping motion Kasich was performing when struck with a gelastic seizure, or uncontrollable laughing fit, after being presented with the question about dropping out of the race.

The incident occurred at a Glastonbury cafe where Kasich was dining and courting potential voters ahead of Tuesday’s Connecticut primary. A registered nurse at the cafe, where Kasich injured himself, examined the Ohio governor and told reporters he will need medical attention and time to recover from nut trauma, despite five key primaries just days away.

Complicating matters for Kasich, however, is the fact he cannot receive medical treatment in the state of Connecticut since his Ohio-based Obamacare medical insurance will not cover his nuts outside of the Buckeye State.

Kasich, despite having 23 fewer delegates than Marco Rubio who dropped out after losing the Florida primary to Donald Trump in March, contends all is going according to plan and that he has Trump, with 697 more delegates, right where he wants him.

“We defeated Cruz in NY soundly after he was supposed to have momentum,” said Kasich strategist John Weaver. “But then John punched himself in the nuts.”

Campaign staff are now urging their candidate to return to Ohio for full medical treatment. “Functioning testicles are a key component to his White House bid since they produce male hormones like testosterone,” said campaign manager Beth Hanson. “Or in John’s case, hugs.”

Kasich 2016 political director Scott Blake agrees his candidate has no choice but to seek treatment saying he thinks Kasich is silently and painfully regretting his support for Obamacare now that his own testicles are in jeopardy.

Political rival Senator Ted Cruz was quick to capitalize on Kasich’s misfortune. Talking to a crowd of supporters during an afternoon rally in Scraton, PA Cruz said, “It looks like the Fruit Ninja has chopped his own P-E-A-R.”


Obama Gives Amnesty To Billions Of Zika Mosquitoes

by Lance Blanchard, Politicoat Friday 4/15/216

     With the stroke of a pen President Barack Obama has made it possible for billions of Zika contaminated mosquitoes to enter and legally remain in the United States for the purpose of infecting American citizens with mental retardation.

Since allowing in millions of illegal aliens from Mexico to South America, the US has seen unprecedented levels of crime and unemployment as lives and jobs of native-born Americans have been taken by illiterate and violent migrants.“America has helped alleviate the stress of violence and poverty on our neighbors to the south by sharing the burden of rape and murder while providing American jobs to their most needy citizens,” Obama said earlier from the White House briefing room.

The President said he wishes to offer the same hand to mosquitoes of the region by using American citizens as sponges to “soak up” the virus so it will be less of a burden on nations to the south, including Brazil where Zika is decimating 2016 Summer Olympic ticket sales.


Hillary Assures Jewish Group She Won’t Be Anything Like Hitler 

Democrat front runner Hillary Clinton at AIPAC

by Paul Bernstein, Politicoat Monday 3/21/2016

     Speaking before thousands of Jewish Americans this morning in Washington DC, 2016 Democrat front runner Hillary Clinton promised members of the American Israeli Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) her presidency would be nothing like what Jews in Nazi Germany endured under Adolph Hitler. 

“First I want to say we will not be interning Americans based on ethnic or religious grounds, but political affiliation,” shouted Clinton to an applauding convention of liberal, Democrat-voting Jewish Americans. 

After seizing the presidency Mrs. Clinton plans a record-setting interment of Americans who vote Republican, own firearms, or believe anything in the New Testament, but, according to media sources close to her campaign, has promised, after careful study of 20th Century German history, she will repeat none of the “inefficiencies” of the failed Nazi regime. 

Promoting an “if you like your interment camp, you can keep it” narrative, Clinton 2016 staffers are certain her message will resonate with progressives, illiterates, and illegals bused in by the millions to vote “Hillary” in November.

“People who didn’t support Hillary for president will be interned locally,” said Robby Mook, Mrs. Clinton’s campaign manager. “This will prevent so called traditional families being separated from each other. We know how important biological and community relationships are to them,” continued Mook, who said it was too soon to address the subject of mass executions when camps fill beyond capacity. “It’s too early for that,” said Mook, claiming plans to execute hoards confined, starved conservatives might not yet garner overwhelming support from the base.


Lindsey Graham Gives Jeb Campaign Kiss of Death, Stays Closeted

Graham: “Jab’s my guy.” Jeb: Thinking it all over a bit late.
by Lance Blanchard, Politicoat Saturday 1/16/2016
     Closet homosexual Senator Lindsey Graham shocked absolutely no one when he, during an earlier press conference, endorsed donor class favorite and institutional jackoff Jeb Bush for President. 
Many expected the androgynous South Carolina politician, who has occupied the US Senate for long enough, to make an announcement regarding his sexual relationships with men. Instead Mr. Graham put a final nail in the sickly ‘Jeb for President’ coffin by publicly endorsing the former Florida governor, a candidate too few seems to want, as “the right man for the job”. 
Pundits in both parties are reaching similar conclusions about the future of Jeb’s presidential bid following Graham’s endorsement. “He’s dead, and Lindsey Graham killed him,” said Republican pollster Jack Rogers, referring to the future of Bush’s bid. “I mean, you have a very unpopular, very gay liberal senator who’s polling rock bottom in his own state endorsing a presidential bid on life support. What the fuck is that about?” queried Rogers.  
With overtones of diversity, tolerance, and rainbows Graham referenced Bush’s debate performance, in addition to a preference for taller men, as reasoning for endorsing the low polling elitist Bush. “Last night Jab proved to me he was everything I could ever want,” said the three term senator during a Friday morning speech of subliminal man love and gut-wrenching political mediocrity.

Disappointing everyone by not publicly admitting he’s gay, Graham further made note of Mr. Bush’s qualifications as strong on amnesty for million of illegals sucking up American resources, a champion of Islamic diversity, and sure to entangle the US in foreign wars for generations to come. 

 Survey: Eating Own Vomit Preferable to Hillary Van Encounter

 

by Chong Wong, Politicoat Tuesday 4/14/2015

     Following a famed YOUTUBE announcement Hillary Clinton began another attempt to become the world’s most powerful person with her completely unsurprising declaration of candidacy for the 2016 White House. However, in an uncharacteristic twist the senior citizen known as “the wife of former President Bill Clinton” kicked off her chief executive bid with a road trip stretching from the sophisticated DC Beltway to the hillbilly heartland of hick-infested Iowa. 

Although no one from the Clinton 2016 team will officially comment on their candidate’s motives, pundits expect the road trip is part of an effort by Hillary to appear normal, and less of a privileged authoritarian jackoff. According to a recent survey by POLITICOAT, however, American voters coming into contact with Mrs. Clinton have a deep sense of unease and comment that they feel their very lives are somehow in great danger.

Mark Hensley was recently accosted by the Hillary caravan at a Pennsylvania gas station. “The whole thing was like a hit from a mafia movie,” said Hensley, an IT tech and father of four. “This long row of black vans sped into the gas station, taking every available pump. Then huge guys in sunglasses emerged forcing everyone to take pictures and smile. It happened so fast we didn’t know what was going on. None of us knew [it was Hillary] until later,” said the Keystone state native, who spoke from what trauma specialists call a ‘state of shock and confusion.’ 

Clinton aids have tweeted that Hillary’s road trip to Iowa is an attempt to humanize the otherwise vicious and unfeeling elitist by bringing her into physical contact with actual American humans, whether they like it or not. But results may turn out differently than the campaign plans.

Amanda Higgens and her children went hungry during a Hillary stop at an Ohio Chipolte. “Her van tour is pretty much an insight into what a Hillary Presidency will look like,” remarked Higgens. “We were waiting in line when her security team came in and locked down the restaurant so she [Clinton] could get a few selfies with confused patrons,” said the mother of three. “We were about to order lunch when one of her goons forced us to leave because my baby was crying.”    

Therapists and mental  health professionals are being dispatched in states along the rout of Hillary’s van tour to council and comfort Americans forced to meet and take pictures with the 2016 presidential candidate. Vicky Reynolds, a therapist and member of the American Psychological Association, is a volunteer aiding citizens in their recovery from contact with Hillary and her caravan of statisticians and mercenaries.

“Obviously we’re seeing a lot of PTSD-like symptoms,” said the twenty year psychologist with a practice in Peoria, IL. “Picture the Highway of Death and you a have the psychological equivalent to what were dealing with here,” remarked Reynolds, referencing the allied bombing of a highway between Kuwait and Iraq during the 91′ Persian Gulf War. “Many Americans have been traumatized along this linear stretch half way across the country, and that’s discounting Hillary’s return route to DC.”


Clinton Global Sex Initiative Loses “Awesome Sauce” on Hillary Scandal

An involuntary inductee of the CGSI poses with the group’s founder

by Paul Bernstein, Politicoat Monday 3/29/2015

     For the first time since its founding the Clinton Global Sex Initiative faces a rash of big donor departures as suspicion mounts in the disappearance of Hillary Clinton’s State Department emails. The for profit global sex foundation, created by former President Bill Clinton, serves heads of kleptocracies, undeserving Nobel laureates, Hollywood producers, CEOs of progressive corporations, and members of the compliant media. To date the CGSI boast conquests over 23 million minor and adult females in more than 180 countries.

 
“This whole email scandal came out of left field,” said CGSI Chief of Staff Ronald Jeremy Hyatt, who was hired by the 42nd President due to his connections in the adult film industry. “It’s brought a lot of attention we otherwise wouldn’t have. CGSI members are worried with a Clinton having to answer questions they could, too.”
 
Others are less concerned. Robby Mook is Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager. “These are  Clintons, okay?” retorted Mook in an exclusive interview. “No Clinton, from the Arkansas Governor’s Mansion to the White House, has ever been accountable for anything. The guys at CGSI are panicking for nothing.”


Ronald Hyatt disagrees. “Her missing State Department emails are not the only issues facing the CGSI,” said Hyatt after it was disclosed the CGSI accepted millions of dollars from autocratic foreign governments while Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State. “This is Hillary’s crisis to manage,” continued Hyatt. “The CGSI was simply minding its own business when she screwed up at State.” 

When asked about Hyatt suggesting Hillary’s missteps are behind CGSI funding issues, Roby Mook conceded, “We’re not completely blind to the timing,” but offered no hint as to how his Clinton 2016 team will manage the crisis.

In off-the-record statements, however, Clinton staffers suggested a strategy to repair the CGSI and Hillary’s campaign for the White House. According to members involved with Clinton 2016, Hillary will transform her War on Women message to “modernize” the Clinton Global Sex Initiative. 

“The first place we can start is opening Orgy Island to female guests,” said a Hillary staffer who declined to be identified. “By bringing equality to human trafficking we silence the critics and calm CGSI members. It’s a win win.” 


Hillary is “Ready” for Orgy Island  

Hillary/Jeb Ticket Confirmed for 2016

by Kelly McFelling, Politicoat Friday 3/15/2015
     Unable to ignore their crony legacies and vast fortunes, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush announced they will team up for the 2016 White House. The unsurprising revaluation came at the request of aristocrats known as the “donor class” who seek protection of financial interest above survival of the American republic. 
Both candidates site personal ambition over actually doing anything to better the country as their main motivation for the 2016 run. A plus for big money contributors who seek compliance and “return on investment” over not completely selling the nation down the shitter. 
“You have to admire the dynasty and personal ambition of these two candidates,” said Bush strategist David Kochel. “Jeb and Hillary are top pics of the donor class who like things just the way they are, since that’s what they paid for.”
When asked if he thinks American voters are weary of institutional politicians Mrs. Clinton’s campaign manager Robby Mook said, “Hillary/Jeb 2016 will be totally different from Obama/Biden 2008. Instead of candidates that hate America we’re fronting candidates Americans hate,” he explained. “The money needed to force these guys onto the public will be massive, but we have plenty to spend.”
Pressed for specifics on what Hillary and Jeb have in common, Bush political consultant Jon Down was quick to respond. “Both Jeb and Hillary share total ideological parallels on amnesty for illegals, interventionist foreign policy, and hatred of transparency. Additionally, one can’t escape the fact that the Clinton and Bush families are very close and politically indistinguishable.”
Joel Benson, a former Obama pollster and current Clinton staffer agreed, “Hillary and Jeb will do and excellent job of serving the interests of the one percent. After all it’s well documented that neither care about anything, unless you consider talking in circles a form of caring.” 
Sally Bradshaw is Bush’s chief fundraiser. “This match up dissolves the conundrum of lacking popularity among American voters,” said Bradshaw “With the money we’ve raised no one will ever hear from an opposition candidate, ever again.”

Obama Deeply Saddened by ISIS Death Threats

“I thought we had an understanding.”
-distraught Obama reported saying
by Paul Bernstein, Politicoat Thursday 2/26/2015
 
     In a surprise move President Barack Obama forwent another day of playing golf due to “feeling sad” about death threats he received from members of the genocidal Islamic cult ISIS. 
 
“We’ve never seen him like this,” said a senior adviser close to the President. “He is wrought with an overwhelming sense of betrayal.”
 
The President, who could not be reached for comment, is reported to be inconsolable. “Both the President and ISIS are equally committed to destroying America,” said another member of Obama’s administration. “It was supposed the perfect marriage but, as with any relationship, it only takes one to leave the other heart broken.”
 
White House staff have no idea when or how the President will recover from his break up with ISIS. “It’s tough,” said a member of Obama’s ongoing campaign team. “Relationships like this don’t come around very often. I mean, factor in all the President did to build, fund, arm, and train these guys in Libya and Syria and…..  you know, it’s tough,” said the staffer, holding back tears of his own. 

Obama To Give ISIS Militants US Government Jobs

by Shannon Kelding, Politicoat Thrusday 2/19/2015

     Seeking to promote job growth among perverted Muslims, President Barack Obama announced he will offer ISIS militants thousands of employment opportunities with the US government.

“The possibilities are endless,” said Obama, as he rolled out his plan to tame Islamic savages with  bureaucratic desk work. “It’s a good way to get money and I-Phones into the pockets of these undeserved, disenfranchised youths,” the President continued. “Before you know it they’ll be tweeting and taking selfies instead off chopping of heads and setting people on fire.”

Critics are concerned, but not too much. In typical accommodating fashion CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asked, “Mr. President, are you not worried that placing ISIS militants in US government jobs will be a security risk to the United States?” To which the President replied, “Not at all, Wolf. A recent multinational summit on violent extremism has determined this is the best course for ISIS, and  America.”


 

Hillary Clinton out of public eye for hip replacement surgery

by Tyrone Watts, Politicoat  Sunday 2/15/2015Refusing a walker to aid in her elderly ambulation, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton took a nasty fall while attempting to board a private jet headed to a presidential fund-raising event in London, England.

Staff stated Mrs. Clinton ditched her walker to better evade sniper fire emanating from the woods near the quaint NY airport where her jet planned to depart. “The fundraiser will have to be rescheduled sometime after Mrs. Clinton completes physical therapy, but before she runs for president,” said Clinton’s chief of staff John Podesta.

Staff also indicated that instead of seeing the accident as a setback Mrs. Clinton will use her time in rehab to “refine the package she wants Americans to swallow” during the 2016 presidential campaign.

“There’s a lot we can do here,” said campaign manager-designate Robby Mook. “I mean, her hip is totally fucked but I think her face could get some touching up,” hinting Clinton might use her time in physical therapy to receive cosmetic surgery in a futile attempt to appear younger. “Just because she’s no longer legally allowed to drive doesn’t mean she can’t look young enough to do so.”

Others in the campaign, however, see Mrs. Clinton’s hip surgery as a setback in her ambitions to become the world’s most powerful person on earth. When asked if the event will make Hillary seem too old to run for national office a female Clinton staffer, who would not be named, stated, “There’s no way in hell she’ll win. She’s way too old and has absolutely no values or belief system. I’m just here for the money. The job pays well and, hello, free alcohol on private jets! Whut, Whut?!”

“It’s really too bad,” said Podesta, blankly staring at the empty jet sitting on the tarmac. “Mrs. Clinton’s walker is totally bad ass. It’s like the most totally bad ass walker in the whole country. We really encourage her to use it.”