by Chong Wong, Politicoat Wednesday 7/13/2016
Portsmouth, NH- Once popular presidential candidate turned geriatric sellout Bernie Sanders hit the skids of American politics Tuesday shamelessly endorsing former rival Hillary Clinton as now, somehow, competent to be President of the United States.
#BernieOrBust supporters cried like prom-dumped fat girls from the Portsmouth high school gym bleachers as their traitorous White House hopeful licked Hillary’s boot heels with socialistic accolades weeks before stinging rebukes of Clinton as a power hungry vulture capitalist.
Standing behind and to the right of Sanders, Clinton nodded like a bobble head at every pre-approved statement uttered by the Vermont senator as multiple snipers were positioned to pierce Bernie’s heart and brain with large caliber smart bullets should his tone turn critical or uncomplimentary.
“She said I would be permanently retired to the bottom of Lake Bomoseen,” Sanders was overheard telling a group of his strongest supporters after his endorsement speech. “Why do you think Bill met with the AG on that plane? It wasn’t for sex I can promise you that.”
Sources close to the Clinton campaign say Sanders was spared the humiliation of being forced to endorse Hillary at the Democratic convention later this month. “Sure he lost all his supporters selling out like a little bitch, and probably won’t retain his senate seat. But at least his family is safe,” said former Obama aid and Democratic strategist David Axelrod.
Others, however, see the timing and location of Sanders’ involuntary Clinton endorsement as a win win for the former Secretary of State. “Having Bernie endorse in New Hampshire where he beat us in the February primary is Hillary’s way of force feeding him a giant shit sandwich,” said Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook.
Senator Sanders was tearfully reunited with his current wife, ex-wife, former domestic partner, son, and three stepchildren tailing the unconvincing public spectacle of his contrived pro-Clinton speech.
Member of the Sanders family were seen hugging and sobbing once their hands were unbound and blindfolds removed by employees of Clinton’s private security detail.