Scientists: Oldest Human Ancestors Were Liberal

by Jose Ramirez, Politicoat Tuesday 1/31/2016

Global research team agrees on origins of liberalism in humans.

Cambridge, England – Scientists working in central China have discovered the oldest human organisms linked to liberalism in modern humans.

For decades researchers have known liberalism to be a near incurable genetic disorder yet, until recently, had no explanation for how generations of liberals were born so fucked up, or why liberalism can inflict certain members of the same family but not others.

The answer, according to a team of geneticists from China, Germany, and the UK, lies in a microscopic organism know as Saccorhytus Coronarius.

Living between grains of sand on sea beds some 540 million years ago the anus-less Saccorhytus was discovered to survive the eons of evolution to liberal human-hood by both ingesting and defecating with its mouth.

We know these microbial deuterostomes to be the earliest ancestors of present day liberal humans because their asses were their mouths and mouths their asses,” said University of Cambridge Professor Connor Fuller who assisted in the discovery and categorization of the prehistoric creatures.

Being disposed to eating, pooping, then re-eating their poop caused dramatic genetic effects in what 500 million years later resulted in liberal human beings,” Fuller said.

Asked to explain the genesis of humans not associated with liberal ideologies Professor Fuller said, “humans with capacity for intelligence and reason owe their beginnings to later microbials that evolved digestive systems and stopped eating their own crap.”

Saccorhytus coronarius 540 million years later.

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