Struggling CNN Anchor Proposes Daily News Segment From Car

by Shannon Kelding, Politicoat 2/15/2015

      CNN news anchor Don Lemon who, during a late January 2015 snowstorm, painfully embarrassed himself riding in a car talking about weather doubled down in a concerted effort to seem relevant in the news industry.

“I have a dream,” said the 48-year-old anchor who continually endeavors to be taken seriously. “I see a day when all news segments will be done from the front seats of automobiles. People just driving around and talking about stuff they see.”
Colleagues of Lemon say the liberal race activist has been suffering from PTSD due to complete failure of America’s first black president. “Don has been in a downward spiral pretty much since the debut of Obamacare,” said a co-producer. “America has rejected Obama and Don, well, can’t accept it,” she continued. “I think the whole car thing is some form of escape for Don. He wants to do news, but he also wants to hide his shame. You know, like Opra.”
When asked if he believes the “Blizzardmobile” segment was a success Mr. Lemon shrieked, “Absolutely. Everybody was watching me in the front seat of that car. People want to see people driving around and talking about stuff. I can give them that,” said Lemon thumping his index finger on the table.

However, Andrew Morse, senior vice president of CNN US, is not convinced. “It’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” said Morse. “Don better come up with something better than this, or his ass is grass. This is the news business for fuck sakes; activism and indoctrination, not filming yourself in the front seat of a car. Idiot!”

As of this writing CNN remains committed to not producing Mr. Lemon’s mobile news segment as Mr. Lemon remains committed to becoming a relevant news personality.

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