Survey: Eating Own Vomit Preferable to Hillary Van Encounter


Following a famed YOUTUBE announcement Hillary Clinton began another attempt to become the world’s most powerful person with her completely unsurprising declaration of candidacy for the 2016 White House. However, in an uncharacteristic twist the senior citizen known as “the wife of former President Bill Clinton” kicked off her chief executive bid with a road trip stretching from the sophisticated DC Beltway to the hillbilly heartland of hick-infested Iowa. 

Although no one from the Clinton 2016 team will officially comment on their candidate’s motives, pundits expect the road trip is part of an effort by Hillary to appear normal, and less of a privileged authoritarian jackoff. According to a recent survey by POLITICOAT, however, American voters coming into contact with Mrs. Clinton have a deep sense of unease and comment that they feel their very lives are somehow in great danger.

Mark Hensley was recently accosted by the Hillary caravan at a Pennsylvania gas station. “The whole thing was like a hit from a mafia movie,” said Hensley, an IT tech and father of four. “This long row of black vans sped into the gas station, taking every available pump. Then huge guys in sunglasses emerged forcing everyone to take pictures and smile. It happened so fast we didn’t know what was going on. None of us knew [it was Hillary] until later,” said the Keystone state native, who spoke from what trauma specialists call a ‘state of shock and confusion.’ 

Clinton aids have tweeted that Hillary’s road trip to Iowa is an attempt to humanize the otherwise vicious and unfeeling elitist by bringing her into physical contact with actual American humans, whether they like it or not. But results may turn out differently than the campaign plans.

Amanda Higgens and her children went hungry during a Hillary stop at an Ohio Chipolte. “Her van tour is pretty much an insight into what a Hillary Presidency will look like,” remarked Higgens. “We were waiting in line when her security team came in and locked down the restaurant so she [Clinton] could get a few selfies with confused patrons,” said the mother of three. “We were about to order lunch when one of her goons forced us to leave because my baby was crying.”    

Therapists and mental  health professionals are being dispatched in states along the rout of Hillary’s van tour to council and comfort Americans forced to meet and take pictures with the 2016 presidential candidate. Vicky Reynolds, a therapist and member of the American Psychological Association, is a volunteer aiding citizens in their recovery from contact with Hillary and her caravan of statisticians and mercenaries.

“Obviously we’re seeing a lot of PTSD-like symptoms,” said the twenty year psychologist with a practice in Peoria, IL. “Picture the Highway of Death and you a have the psychological equivalent to what were dealing with here,” remarked Reynolds, referencing the allied bombing of a highway between Kuwait and Iraq during the 91′ Persian Gulf War. “Many Americans have been traumatized along this linear stretch half way across the country, and that’s discounting Hillary’s return route to DC.”

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