Vice President Biden Shot Near White House

by Chong Wong, Politicoat Saturday 5/21/2016

     The Vice President of the United States was shot by a Secret Service agent on Friday after approaching the White House’s East entrance brandishing a shotgun. Officials say Biden attempted to bring the shotgun onto White House grounds to “show” Secret Service agents and DC Metro Police guarding the checkpoint, but would not drop the gun when given repeated verbal commands to do so.

Tasked by President Obama to design new gun laws, Mr. Biden has, for years, been urging national law enforcement to abandon their AR-15 service rifles for nineteenth century-style double barrel shotguns the Vice President claims are “safer and easier to aim”.

“I can’t believe he just walked up to the White House with that goddamn stupid shotgun,” said Secret Service agent Jack Taylor, who told reporters Biden has been on a tangent about federal law enforcement surrendering the AR-15 for break action, large bore rock salt shooters.

Mr. Biden became an advocate for long barrel granny guns following the Sandy Hook school shooting where he, during an unforgettable Facebook town hall, recommended Americans ditch their AR-15 rifles for the crime-fighting terror of double barrel blunder blasters. Not taken seriously by anyone with a functioning human brain, however, AR-15 sales in the United States skyrocketed after Biden suggested Americans not buy the guns.

Sadly, according to eyewitnesses, it was an AR-15 used by the Secret Service on Friday to stop the Vice President’s armed advance onto White House Grounds. Cathy Fredric, visiting the Nation’s Capital from Sidney Nebraska, was standing on the corner of 17th and East Street NW when Biden was shot.

“The Vice President walked toward the White House wearing sunglasses and a big smile, waiving at police and holding a old style shotgun,” said Fredric. “He was told several times to drop the gun but kept saying ‘Come on, guys. It’s old Joe!’”

That was when, Fredric said, a Secret Service agent fired a single AR-15 round into Mr. Biden’s stomach, dropping him prostrate and, much to the surprise of those gathered, silencing the Vice President.

Medical technicians who rushed to the scene were amazed, though, how quickly Mr. Biden regained consciousness and continued talking as if a rebooted AI. “Well, now. Them boys don’t fuck around, do they?” said Biden, belting out a throaty laugh before grimacing in pain at  sharp bullet fragments tearing into his stomach, liver, and large intestine. “Might have to rethink this whole shotgun thing after bein’ on the business end a one a those bad mama jama’s.” he added, suggesting he might reconsider the AR-15 as a better choice for targets at distance. “Hurts like a bitch!” Biden chocked, spitting blood while being loaded into an ambulance bound for George Washington University Hospital.

DC Metro Police officer Craig Miller retrieved the double barrel shotgun Biden was carrying when shot and removed two live rounds from its chambers. “I think in his own dopey-ass way he tries to be useful,” said Miller. “Too bad he’s always doing something sane society considers idiotic.”
Officer Miller clears Joe “Buy a Shotgun” Biden’s shotgun

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