Women’s March On Washington Showed Fewest Sexual Assaults In DC History

Report shows area Muslim refugee population abstained from molesting large crowds of “hairy men” and “sea cows”.

By Kelly McFelling, Politicoat Monday 1/30/2017

Washington, D.C. – The D.C. Metropolitan Police Department released data earlier today showing the post inauguration Women’s March on Washington documented a record low number of sexual assaults against march participants. Lowest, according to a police spokesperson, in the history of any event in the nation’s capital.

We’re shocked. That’s all I can say,” said acting DC Metro Police Chief Craig Miller during a question and answer session. “As a police department we expect an increase in sexual assaults from Muslim refugees anytime there is a large event in town.”

Instead, Miller told reporters, his department received zero sexual assault reports from Women’s March protesters, citing all criminal complaints over the course the event were from businesses and residents against protesters.

As big as this protest march was it was mostly a gathering of large, angry, and extremely unattractive women,” confessed Miller when pushed for reasons why the area’s violent male refugee population avoided March participants.

Yes. Another sandwich is just what you need.

Politicoat took to the streets of D.C. asking groups of unemployable Somali, Afghan, and Syrian males if they purposely avoided involuntary sexual contact with Women’s March protesters.

Yes. Of course’” said one idle Afghan refugee named Farid Maloof. “These women talk of diversity yet bring to city only manys of ugly screaming dog with hat of vagina. We give no rape to them,” complained Maloof, throwing up his hands in disgust.  

The January 21 Women’s March, supposed to highlight support for feminist causes of nihilistic self-destruction, inadvertently became a case study on deterring violent male refugees from sexually violating Western females appearing in public.

Area Muslim refugees usually come by the thousands to sexually assault female visitors to D.C. Not this time.

We can’t ignore the irony that a protest intended to highlight female victimization managed not to produce a single female sexual assault case out of some 500,000 women assembled,” said Georgetown University Director of Gender Studies Pook-Me Dook. “This despite the proximity of illiterate and violent male refugees renowned for their cultural disposition to rape and sexual violence against women,” Dook said.

Professor Dook acknowledged that allowing good-looking women to participate in the march might have increased sexual assault complaints, but conceded she does not like the appearance or conservative politics of attractive females.

Defending “reproductive rights” despite having no chance of reproducing.

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